I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
