I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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