My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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