Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
