He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
