i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
