it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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