**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
