I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
