Apparently you make a good broom.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
