and you said cock pushups were impossible
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
