so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
