Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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