clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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