It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
