I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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