the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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