OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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