Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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