I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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