Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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