he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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