for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
