Your mouth is God's brothel.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
