Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
