This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
