Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
