Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
