I love black thongs
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
