Dual....:-)
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
