I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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