my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
