Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
