Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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