you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Boobs speak an international language.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
