My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
