Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
