saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
