Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
