drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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