Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
