I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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