when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
