Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Are my feet made of real feet?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
