this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
