Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
