I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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