how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
