it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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