He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
