Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
