I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
